Motorcycles and a Buzz

10 Aug

… I got up off the ground. Man. What in the heck just happened? ‘OH SHIT’. as I look down and see the blood pumping out with every heartbeat. This is not good.  with every beat, blood shoots out, is being pumped out by my own body! …after all these years it too is betraying me! “OH SHIT! I need help.” I’m pretty sure I said that out loud.

out in the middle of nowhere. a car’s coming. standing at the edge, or maybe middle of? the road. car stops. Dallas and Buck in Bucks car.

backseat of Bucks car. hhmmm how’d I get here?
the back of the driver side car seat is turning a bright red before my dazed eyes. is this what they call flashbacks? no. this is real, a RIGHT NOW kinda thing. I think. blood is pumpin out as my heart somehow manages to keep beating.

I look down again and think, ‘that isn’t right’. my hand looks weird. all this blood. my hand sure looks awful weird. Oh God help me.

Buck pulls his car into Jims parking lot … there’s about 50 people just hangin out. …. theres no phone….
from somewhere outside of reality I hear ‘MOM MOM oh God, what did you do? what happened?
darned if i know
“…..gotta get help…find a phone”
yeah i need to call ….somebody….and tell them to…..

…..someone is tying something around my arm. ‘hey jeff man i wrecked’. ‘Yea babe, I see that.
‘i wrecked Chats motorcycle.
‘You need to hold your arm up for me ok’ sure ok
but its not ok. I can’t. I try. but i keep forgetting ….things are getting fuzzy……fading in and out……mostly out.
Why’s Donny in my Blazer beating on the roof and screaming like that? “NO!‘ thump ‘NO!‘ thump …deep anguished, heart wrenching screams.

They think I’m dying. I am dying. My heart beats more slowly now. The blood that was pumping out is not being pumped now. My heart is not beating hard enough to pump it out like it was, but the blood is still flowing, everywhere.

i see my hand again…..this can’t be right. im missing some fingers or something. yea. thats why it looks so weird. 2 of my freakin fingers ARE GONE! where did they go? and where did everyone go?

in Bucks car again. how DID i get here? whose house is that? “…. they said the ambulance would be right here. you’re gonna be ok sandy” well of course i will. why wouldn’t i be? isn’t that my truck going down the road? wheres it going? where is everyone?
back at jims lot now. everyone is gone. am i dead? where is everybody? why am i all alone? ………….. 30 minutes have passed. ….someone is here…. you gotta keep your arm up. yeah nimrod i would if i could. but i just want to sleep…. was that a slap? i believe it was. oh yeah. it was. oh yeah. thats one thing I do know. I know a slap when I feel it.  ‘stay with us babe’ ohI ain’t going nowhere
‘HEY! Stay with me. Stay awake. You gotta stay awake babe”
but…but…so tired

45 minutes have passed.I thought I was going to a hospital or a dr or somewhere. “they can’t find your fingers sandy”thats ok man. i got more.’

…you’re awful rough…that hurts ya know……I open my eyes and see someone standing at the back of the ambulance [which finally got there 55 minutes after they were called] I love you son, i’ll be okay.
John shakes his head, looks at the others and says ‘I don’t think she’ll make it. She thought I was Will. Her blood pressure is only 40 over 20’

that was a short trip. it shoulda took a lot longer than just a second to get to Jackson

………‘Charlotte? why you here? you’re the last people I’d ever expect to see here’ as I gaze up thru that cloud of fog that just won’t go away. there stands the plant manager of all people! and Pat? what are you doing here. man I MUST be in bad shape.

“We heard it come across the scanner” …what? huh? they told I’s ridin Chats motorcycle on the scanner? mmm. that don’t make any sense.

“I’m right here baby” ‘yeah, but….but….ain’t ya gonna do somethin? oh God my hand hurts. whats on my hand?’‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?’ a nurse is unwrapping the rolls and rolls of gauze that’s around my hand. I watched in agony as she unwound and got closer to what was left of what I now knew was a mangled hand. she gets down to the last wrap and it was stuck. to raw flesh. or was it caught on the bones that had been ripped apart? i dunno but it hurts like a mo tro
I look at what appears to be a red and white lopsided basketball on the end of my wrist. …. oh…oh…THAT HURTS

“oh man wheres a dr at? gotta get somthin to knock this pain”
“She’s in shock. The pain is starting to hit her now.”
Bullshit! The pain hit me when……when….. don’t know when.

wheres that dr at? ‘Larry PLEASE make em gi me somethin.
They said they can’t till they find out if……”
if what? if what? if i’m gonna die? they don’t want to waste no pain stuff on me? dead people don’t have no pain. do they?

no man listen. Oh shit, there she goes again. don’t know why she keeps wrapping all that stuff around my……hand[?] do I still have one? part of one? its soaked plum thru again. wonder why shes wasting that on me?

‘please make em gi me somthin. oh God it hurts!’

“I’ll go find him babe. I promise. I’ll make him get down here” oh yes. thanks. yep. thats the way. crack that whip. you go guy!

“……..and the hand team is in Louisville now”
did she say they made a human hand? but. i don’t wanna go ta Louisville. lets go home. just gemme some stuff and I’m outta here. wonder what they give to ya when you rip off your fingers? WHAT? what she say? I did what? but….you can’t do that can ya?

……. ‘what cha got there doc? a needle. no way man i dont like nee’……

‘mmmmm hey Larry?‘  “yeah babe?”
‘did you see if there was anything in that needle?’
“yea. There was something in it. “ nah. i dunt thin there wass nuthin in tha….

I don’t remember the trip to Louisville, except….. I was being flown by helicopter and I remember thinking it was so claustrophobic in there, and looking at the guys face as I thanked him for saving my life.

Those docs kept on insisting they give me blood and I kept insisting they get my matching parent there and then we would talk blood transfusions, and not until. But, my parents lived right at 110 miles or 3 hours away, and they would not be making the trip to Louisville. Not in this decade anyway. Unless of course, there was some type of emergency! Woohoo! No emergency here folks.

…………. man, here they come again. giving me another shot in my thighs. its what? she say demoral? or did they take me off that already and switch to morphine? can’t remember which way it is. Will and Jr are  sitting at the end of my bed as I open my eyes with something close to focus in quite sometime.

“Well, if it isn’t Queen Bee, Miss Evil Kneival herself come back to the land of the living” I will hear about this little event for a long time.

A motorcycle and a buzz

Now a person just never stops and thinks about those hands they use everyday, how they do your will without a thought. How their fingers just all work in sync with each other. Testing time…..

-try shaving under both arms with the same hand
-try pulling that long mane into a ponytail with one hand

It isn’t easy doing anything with one hand. I had to after this little affair of mine with the motorcycle, well with that motorcycle anyway

damages, damages, as we go down the long spiraling trip to the cold, hard, ground.

sightly damages

now that is not a pretty sight. But we learn to deal with……. things

This is what the medical term “traumatic amputation” means, but what really happened…..

who is that staring down at me, and just where am I anyway. Sabrina? Doug? Tommy? What are you guys doing here?
‘Baby we heard it on the scanner at work yesterday’. yesterday? she must on drugs.
‘was it that bad?

“Charlotte and Pat said you had everything busted up on the inside, they said you ruptured your spleen” and she trails on with a list of damages, “your hand ripped off, and your eye all cut up. As soon as I heard that, we took off, and here we are. You know I would come to you babe” yep, thats my bud Sabrina, before she got herself all strung out

did she say my eye? I raise what feels like a 100 pound arm to my face, mmmpphh, no bandages, no blood. but only one of my arms seemed to come up to do its checking, body part toll taking, so to speak.

‘Sabrina, they cut my shorts off of me.
yep, considering the reason she was there, that was what was bugging me. that and my hand, man what IS wrong with my hand, my arm, they won’t do what I want them to do. oh shit, now I remember. that WAS my hand I saw in that vision, and that WAS my blood…all that blood

in comes nurse happy needle, heading right at my thigh, which makes me think, mmmpph, maybe there is more than one part of me hurtin as nurse needle plunges that liquid hell into my leg again. when I wake up from this one, they will put me on something else. just don’ getit…..why would anyone wan to shoo that stuf in em is a myst………………..

out of the hospital – finally

Standing in the doctors office for the first time since my wreck. I’m there to get the bandages off and take the staples off the skin graft, and to see exactly what I had done to myself. But I can’t look. not just yet. The nurse unwraps my hand, she still has to get those staples out and I know thats gonna hurt. Its funny isn’t it. when you know somethings gonna hurt, it seems to actually hurt worse just cause you know its coming! and this was no exception.
I grit my teeth just as I did when I gave birth to my 2 boys, so I won’t scream out. But damn, that hurt my tender raw skin when those staples, yep  STAPLES were being pulled out of the back of my hand. only then do I allow myself to look. Only then did I cry. I couldn’t help it, when I seen my hand and how it would look for the rest of my life. I mean it was gross! Tender red skin with those ugly black stitches. I turn my back to the nurse so she won’t see my tears, and look out the window. She says the dr will be in in a minute.

When I’m alone I look again at what I had done to myself. There were many ugly stitches that ran down the back of my hand where my middle finger had been, but had been literally ripped off of the bone in my hand, about 2 inches down from where my finger SHOULD start, it had ripped apart from itself.  My index finger had been ripped out of the socket that comes out of my hand. I see the ugly cuts on the side of my little finger and the deep cuts that run up my ring finger to the first knuckle and see what they mean when they told me I was lucky to have not lost all my fingers. The chain had grabbed my hand when I had flipped in midair. My hand must of fell off the handlebars, onto the chain, which pulled my hand into the sprocket. Thats what had done the damage. There was no chain guard on the motorcycle when I had taken off on it.
I have to live with this hand for the rest of my life. but I realize what could have happened, what should have happened. God had mercy and saved my life, again.

Thank you for your infinite mercy Lord.
Seems like I have a huge debt to pay, so I better get started on it.

Seeking Gods Face
Seeking Gods Face

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